Do you ever have one of those days where you just cry?
The smallest of issues happens and it sets you off.
The flood gates are opened and they cannot be closed.
This happens to me.
I am fall victim to my own walls in that I do not often allow myself to feel all that I need to feel.
Moving through life I always adopted the ‘I don’t care’ attitude about everything. Truly these were just walls around me, it was easier to say ‘I don’t care’ than to show I cared and then have to experience the emotion or feeling that came with that. Then somewhere along the line, when I introduced yoga into my life, I became a lot more open to my emotions. I began to notice how much we applaud people who almost do not show emotion. The people who ‘hold it together’, yet the ones who wear their heart on their sleeve we almost see them as a little too soft, a little dramatic, a little ‘too sensitive’.
For me I feel I’m somewhere in between both of them and at times I just cannot seem to find the balance.
My practice though, helps me.
In my classes, I always begin the class by asking my students to recall their day ‘from the very moment you woke up, until this very moment now’, this practice is called reflection. At the end of the class, I ask them to repeat the same practice but instead of recalling the day, this time to recall their practice ‘from the moment you stepped onto the mat, until this moment now’. What I like to observe is how our time on our mat is like a simulation of our daily life. At times we show up and we are tired, everything feels difficult, we have times we enjoy and times that are harder, moments of bliss and moments of anger, but at the end either of your practice or of your day – YOU MADE IT, you made it here to you mat to your savasana and that has to be acknowledged. Then I ask that we just observe any repeated habitual thought processes or actions, just as an observation. I use this practice as it has helped me in so many ways.
As I personally began to observe the range of emotions that I went through on my mat, I noticed the same that I feel throughout my day. And how sometimes I might not reflect back on them to take a lesson. When I began reflecting onto my practice, and the thought patterns there and acknowledged the correlation between the thought process throughout my day and throughout my life. I began to make space for change. I recognised the areas where I kept telling myself ‘I can’t do this’ and the areas where I got angry, I noticed when I would become angry at my teacher, I noticed times when I would get angry at another person. I noticed how when I was feeling low my practice was more lethargic, and when I was feeling good it was more energised. In the same way when I felt low in my day, my actions became lethargic, when I felt good in my day I was a lot more productive.
Not only this, but the practice gave me the tools, such as breath work, movement and relaxation to allow myself to sit with and work through any emotions. and allow that application of breath and movement to filter into my life. Often now I find when I am avoiding my practice I am avoiding myself. They are the moments when I become less ‘in my feelings’ and more ‘I don’t care’. And in those times the last thing I want to do is backbend, because I know the floods of tear will come some days. I find the same for students too. When they make excuses not to come to class, maybe they are just not ready for the healing right now. Maybe it’s not time to go within. But when we decide to roll out the mat, we work through those blockages, allow them to be released and make space for healing.
Taking time to be with yourself and practice yoga, you begin to understand yourself better, understand yourself better and understand others better and that’s when you really let go and surrender to the practice, surrender to life.
See you on the mat